smoking is cool and sexy as hell

I am terrible at guessing people's ages.  I had these customers today who were, on the generous side, middle late thirties, but could have been fifty because, as I said, I think I am bad with ages.  Guessing ages would be so much easier if people didn't have habits that effect the aging process, like smoking.

The couple was pretty cute and put together with stylish clothes and a rockabilly undertone.  But the magic was broken when the woman in this couple spoke.  She had the gravely smoker's voice and a persistant phlegmy cough.

I don't know exactly why, but the smoker symptoms totally depressed me and made me glad that I don't smoke.  DON'T SMOKE!  IT'S NOT WORTH IT!!

lunch

Part of working with the public involves telling them where to eat.  Tourists or people who don't get out much ask for recommendations, which is perfectly natural, but causes me stress.  I have been in their position and I know what they expect.  They want to know some little secret.

I remember once being somewhere and hungry and the area seemed so lively and full of potential.  It felt like there had to be some yummy, reasonably priced little restaurant with a friendly staff and fresh, real food where all the cool locals ate.  We went into a cute little boutique shop and asked the young, hip staff where we should eat.  The clerk's bored response, backed by her dead eyes, was "I just always go to Subway."  Back out on the street, we bravely asked a stranger.  "Subway.  Quiznos."

Telling people where to eat stresses me out because if they don't like it, I fear they will judge me and somehow hold me accountable for their experience.  It's a ridiculous fear, but it motivates me.  I usually have a couple answers on hand.  First, there is the restaurant that I always recommend because the food is consistently good and I know the owners.  If they press me for more ideas and are annoying, I recommend the wildly popular restaurant with the mediocre food.  If they ask for me ideas and are not too annoying, I recommend a restaurant that I really like, but only if I know I won't be going there myself anytime within their possible visit.

Tree of Life

Have you seen this cutting board from Totally Bamboo?  What stoner came up with that?

"It's like a chunk of tree, but it's made from bamboo.  And the tree rings will be made of really tiny animals.  And we can call it like, the tree of life, cause it'll remind people of like animals and life and the earth and stuff."

Totally!

Saturday Day Fever

- I don't usually care too much if people have bad hair, but today there was this woman who had butt length hair and it was nasty:  parched, scraggly, and faded to the same color as her elbows.  It was beyond dead.  I actually had this fantasy vision of me running up behind her with scissors and hacking off 8-10 inches of gnarly hair and then she turns into a Pantene commercial.  But in actuality, she looked around with her old boyfriend and then left.

- On Saturdays, the store really gets poked and prodded.  Saturday is family day and people who never go shopping come shopping.  They touch EVERYTHING and they don't put anything back where they picked it up, even if it is a distance of 6 inches.  They eat in the store like they are at their table and gulp down our complimentary coffee, sprinkling all surfaces with sugar and being hush about spills.  They lounge in the sofas while they make out or talk on the phone.  They rub their greasy heads onto pillows, their greasy necks on scarves and their dusty feet on any mat that is near the floor.  This is a day when Floor Models are made because the merchandise gets the most action of its life.

- There is a lady I hate.  Well, not hate, but am deeply annoyed by.  I have had encounters with her at numerous places and she gets under my skin every time.  I was walking the floor and caught sight of some adorable shoes out the window.  I skipped over to get a better look and saw that the shoes I loved were being worn by the woman I sorta hate.  So I think I have to sort of hate those shoes now.  What a bummer.

- Parents, I acknowledge that it is a lot of work keeping an eye on children, but letting them destroy merchandise is not cool.  Your baby chewed  on a book because you were too lazy to get up and grab him.  No one is going to want to buy that book now.  It is not harmless gnawing.

- Sample food is gross.

not yet

Lately I've been going through my notes that I make to myself and it is all things I've thought and written about before, at least once and maybe more.  It made me wonder, "HAVE I SEEN IT ALL?"  But as I am still able to be horrified or delighted by people's behavior in my store, I remember that the repetition is part of the craziness of it all.  And it is impossible to see it all since I am not God or the Internet.

How To Poop At Work

1. Scope out all possible bathrooms.  Sometimes the closest one is not the best; you can run into co-workers or echo farting noises out into hallways.  Some of the best bathrooms are tucked away in ugly closets.

2. Carry a scent masker.  Matches are great, but the burning smell can alarm some people.  Room sprays work, but super floral or perfumey ones annoy people with scent allergies.  A natural, essential oil spray is great because it smells like aromatherapy or some gentle cleaning.  Some people may still have problems with these scents, but more people will be okay with citrus essential oil spray than fake lilac spray.  

3. Eat properly.  A diet rich in fiber makes for efficient poops that eliminate the need to camp out with an US Weekly farting for hours.

4. If possible, poop when you feel it.  If you work some place where extra bathroom time can be a problem, use the diarrhea excuse.

5. Though it is wasteful, the "double flush" method is effective for odor control:  Flush IMMEDIATELY after pooping, then again for the paper.

6. WASH YOUR HANDS!

liars

Several weeks ago I became part a conservation my co-worker was having with a difficult couple placing an order for a piece of furniture.  The wife was badgering us about the delivery fee, saying we were "nickel and diming" them.  It was very uncomfortable because she would not let up, and I didn't feel like we actually were taking advantage of her.  We have an extremely reasonable delivery fee and most customers say so.

She then began making claims that she could purchase the same item at a different store, a couple hours away, for less and with free delivery.  I found that wildly implausible since everything I'd ever heard about the store was that it is more expensive.  I also couldn't imagine them offering up free delivery.  It just didn't make sense.  It also didn't make sense that she would be so eager to buy the furniture from us when she had found it cheaper elsewhere.

I was slightly ill on this day and not my best for dealing with this sort of person, though I don't think there is ever a good day for it.  As she attempted to manipulate us with her lies and threats, my co-worker and I became quiet and just hustled to get her out of there.  We were not going to give in because she was too absurd, but it was plain that she wouldn't give up.

Now to today.  Her furniture was delivered.  The men delivering the furniture showed up at the store after with her old furniture, which was half dog hair and totally worn out.  What???  When they showed up to deliver the new furniture, the customer told them someone at the store wanted the old furniture and to take it away.  This was a complete COMPLETE falsehood.  Very crafty and so wrong.

This is a customer who has spent a good deal of money with us, and, as far as I know, has caused relatively little trouble so far.  And though this little episode is annoying, it will pass because there are far worse problems to deal with.  But I cannot stop thinking about how she is a horrible person.  Her skills are too advanced for me to believe that this is the first time and only place that she LIES.  I wonder about her life and the stress of it:  feeling she is owed what she isn't, figuring out loopholes, trying out manipulative phrases, lying to herself until it feels like the truth.  I wonder if she feels smart and proud.

Oh, and the store she was having had cheaper prices and free delivery?  I called it later, in a sort of spy-mode as a potential customer and asked about the furniture pricing and delivery.  The price was significantly more and the delivery was several hundred dollars (MUCH more than ours).  I didn't get crappy and press the woman into giving me free delivery because it didn't matter.  It was more than obvious that our customer was LYING.