Does anyone else smell the sausage?

-Several posts ago, I wrote about how I had customers that smelled like sausage. This happened again today. How does this happen? Do I smell like strong pungent foods when I leave the house?

-An older couple came in today with their little dogs. The wife was carrying this fluffy little brown one that looked like a teddy bear and the husband had an adorable fat graying chihuahua. Everyone melted and cooed when they saw the little dogs; the couple looked bored and annoyed as I am sure this happens every place they go. If you don't want people to stop and freak out and talk to you, you should not carry a cute little pet in your arms like a baby while you are trying to run errands.

-I am always slightly amused when a group of college kids comes into the store and walks around scoffing at all the merchandise. "Look at all this useless stuff! Consume consume consume!" "Why would anyone need an egg slicer? Isn't that why we have knives??" "I don't understand stores like this; why wouldn't I just buy this off of amazon since it's cheaper?" Oh you kids. You've taken some classes and you're so smart and sure of yourself. You've got the whole world figured out. Just wait until you come in looking for a job because you can't find anything else. Then I hear statements like "Whoa! Look at this pan! This is awesome! I totally need one of these!" HA! Gotcha. We all want things.

designing woman

Yesterday I was helping a customer pick out an ottoman. We were looking at the different coverings and discussing how they might look on the finished product. The more we talked, the more I realized that she thought I was actually some sort of designer. Bless her heart.

Then again, she may have just been setting up the situation so that she could start talking about her daughter, who is a designer. It's a pretty classic scenario: the wealthy mother bringing her daughter shopping because the daughter is assisting with a remodel or whatever. "She's a DESIGNER in CALIFORNIA!" the mother will say, "Thank goodness I have her! I don't know a thing about any of this design stuff. My daughter hates everything about the house. We are completely redoing it! And she's giving us a discount!"

Anyway, the customer was very sweet and I was very modest and it made me think I should read a book about color theory or interior design or at least look at some damn nesting magazines.

Wow. Inspiration.

and I thought I was weird

-As she caressed a small kitchen table, a customer told me she was looking for a table. I asked her what sort of table she was looking for. A kitchen table? A dining room table? "Well, something to eat off!" Of course. Stupid me.

-We have a bucket of free lotion samples by the cash register. I told an interested customer she could have one. She spent the next five minutes digging through the bin, finding every scent and holding them to her chest in turn. Finally she found on that "spoke" to her.

-A woman came in looking for a pan with very specific ways that she wanted to use it. I gently explained that the methods she was describing could ruin most pans and possibly void warranties since they would go directly against the manufacturers usage instructions. I tried to be very positive: If you don't do action A, then action B is not even necessary. Anyway, she was insistent and crazy and I'm sure I'll see her again.

-"Benches are so hot right now." -customer quote.

But my vacation glow has worn off a bit...

Highlights!

-the other day I had several customers that smelled like sausage. It was grossing me out. I mean, I love sausage, but not as a stink cloud on the clothes and hair of strangers.

-I told a customer their total by using the phrase "it is going to be (insert proper dollar amount)". Smartyface man replies with a snotty "it's going to be? does that mean it's not right now?". I couldn't tell if he was trying to be cute or superior. I'm embarrassed to admit that I was a little ashamed. I felt stupid for some reason. Excuse me, sir, for being so numb to certain rote phrases that I sub-consciously change them up just to keep my mouth from getting bored and quitting.

-We are selling these solar powered dancing flowers and they amuse me greatly because the weather is so shitty and gray they won't dance.

-I had a woman argue with me about her total the other day. She thought I was undercharging her. I went over all the prices again and checked the computer total 4 times, but she kept insisting that I was missing something. "My math is pretty good" she informed me. I wasn't quite sure how to proceed. Usually people will give up when you start listing the prices and the subtotal and the amount of tax. When you flip the screen at the them and get out the calculator as back up, they believe you. But this woman kept at it. Finally she realized she was adding something twice or something dumb like that. NOT THAT GOOD AT MATH.

-I love it when customers tell me to wrap breakable things. It is our policy to wrap breakable merchandise. We have stacks of paper, bubble wrap, and foams at the ready for the sole purpose of getting items home safely. But I can only do one thing at a time, so while I am using my hands to finish a transaction, customers might tell me to do something else, often the very thing I was going to do next. I have a fantasy where I just throw all their fragile purchases into a plastic sack, not even gently, and hand it to them with a straight face.

"Rejuvenated" is the cliché I'm looking for

I did something brilliant after the holidays and before inventory: I took a wee tiny vacation. It wasn't fancy or expensive, but I got out of town and out of my life for a few days and it made a huge difference in my mood. Seriously. It was life altering.

I highly recommend that anyone who is bored or stressed or experiencing general ennui to take a break. It is healthy for the spirit.