Happy holiday highlights

-Best phone call of the week: the young woman that called our 800 number and asked what sort of "risqué" gifts we might have for a bridal shower. Unfortunately, we do not carry anything intentionally penis-shaped and the cute aprons I suggested were not what she had in mind.

-Just when I think I'm ok, that I've got it all figured out, something like FLAMELESS CANDLES will throw me into a spiral of doubt and wonder. Where am I what are shoes, planets, light, sand, why am I here, do birds hate me, is clear a color?

-There are still some people that get a sick pleasure from slow business. They want to draw out this recession as long as possible so they can mope about how tough it is. I had a customer yesterday that came in during a lull and, looking around, said (tsking and shaking head) "It's not very busy...." BITCH! I barely got a chance to pee this morning because it was so busy. I told her that she was there during a slow moment. Most people are excited that we are busy. And when I tell them that we actually had to HIRE PEOPLE, they almost die of happiness. We are putting people to work! Shopping at our store helped some unemployed people get jobs! YEH! Getting off on a bad economy is not cool anymore. If this is your thing, may I suggest getting a disease and boring me with details about that instead.

-A young woman lost a glove in the store today. She asked me if I'd seen it. I said no, because I hadn't. Then she said "well someone in the store must have picked it up because I have only been here here and here!" Like... are you accusing the staff of stealing one of your lost gloves? Why the hell would we want ONE of your gloves? AND lost means you don't know the location of an item; this is different than knowing that it was stolen.

-The other day a young mother answered her child's inquiry of my actions (fluffing pillows) with the response "Oh, she's trying to look busy." The top of my head almost blew off. Due to my years in retail, I cannot stand a saggy pillow. I am constantly fluffing pillows because they MUST ALWAYS BE PERKY. I fluff pillows all day at work, I fluff pillows when I am shopping in other stores, I fluff pillows when I go to friends' houses, I fluff pillows at home, alone, because the pillows MUST BE FLUFFED. Customers, you will not know when I am "trying to look busy" because I will actually look busy. I will be doing Important Paperwork or some such thing. The whole point of busy work is that it look real. But fluffing pillows! That is never busy work. It is what keeps the earth spinning.