believe it or not

1. Customers don't believe that we don't carry everything, for example, whatever they want.  What sort of perfect world do they think this is where they can call up the first place they think of and find the exact weirdly specific item they have decided they need?

2. Sometimes people's mothers aren't very nice.

3. I spent a good portion of the day directing traffic to the bathrooms.  You know, pointing them in the proper direction, reassuring them that it wasn't too far, chasing them out of closets and offices they thought might be a bathroom (despite signs stating they are not).

4. Sometimes the way people enjoy sitting on a sofa is to sit on a throw pillow on the sofa cushion.  People do all kinds of weird shit to the pillows.

5. Sometimes people have poor luck with an item so they will exchange it.  Makes sense.  The first one was probably defective.  But sometimes they keep having "defective" items and keep exchanging it.  Why would you keep getting an item when you have a history of problems with multiple items?  "This thing is shitty, but I like it.  I know I'll have trouble with this thing and all its shitty replacements because it is shitty, but I like it.  I give it as wedding gifts!"

6.  Sometimes people don't want to pay the change on their total.
"Your total is $20.35."
(hands me a $20 bill.)
I pause, thinking they might slowly be going for change.  After a moment I repeat:
"Your total is $20.35."

See, they think I'm going to pull 35 cents out of a magical non-existant change jar or perhaps my own pocket.  I used to feel sorry for these people.  I fell into the trap of thinking that maybe they were just a little short, you know?  They just needed a few cents, right?  What's the harm?  Well, the harm is that they are fucking faking and they ALWAYS have change.  They have a jangling separate purse full of coin.  They are just being cheap.  And think about it this way:  if they truly don't have enough money to buy their items, maybe they don't need all those items.  One sure fire way to get change fakers to cough up coin is to ask them which items they want to put back.  So, back to my story:

(looks of feigned confusion by the customer when I repeat the total)
"Don't you have a quarter and a dime?  For the 35 cents?"
(they fish the change out of their purse and we finish.)

Keep it simple.  Never accuse.  There is a time and place for accusations and that is the Internet.

a collective "fuck that shit"

I know your grandparents are mad at me. I don't count back change. I see what the computer tells me to give, mentally assure myself that it's right, and hand it to the customer in an orderly fashion. I do count the bills so we all see that I did give you three $20 bills and not two, but I don't do that whole counting forwards bullshit. That was the past, in a cold dark time before machines did math for me.

I am not alone. I don't remember the last time someone counted back my change and I am thrilled because, if no one else is doing it, I'm not going to feel guilty.

High five, my fellow clerks! Old lady at Target, kids at the drugstore, volunteers at my thrift stores, and self check out at the grocery store! One less oppressive chore!

The Annoying List 3.19

1. Our store is in a small town and a lot of people know the owners. Small enough that a lot of people know them, yet large enough that many customers do not, so the ones that do know the owners, even just by name, feel that it is okay to name-drop and request special discounts for no real reason. They will make the most awkward and confusing statements, just so they can somehow work in one or both of the owners' names. Their real friends and associates do not ask for discounts. They pay full price in order to support the business and when they are given a discount, they are thankful, humble, and gracious. Don't name-drop for any reason. It's assy.

2. The last customer of the day was still in the store after we were closed. She was taking her time, telling us how she was from Canada and making weird returns and repurchases so that her receipts would look better at the border. Then, after pulling all those weird moves, she paid for a large portion of her purchase with loose change. Paying with loose change is sketchy. It is always annoying, but sometimes it is okay if the clerk is not doing anything else and you are not causing any long waits. Closing the store in a timely manner is just as important for our budget as selling gadgets and whatsits. Treating a closed store like your after hours shopping experience is not okay. Although, I might keep the store open for Oprah.