Sunday, August 15, 2010


Sale shoppers are the dung beetles of the retail world. They are the maggots feeding on the carrion merchandise. They are necessary. Without them, the dead items of seasons past would linger for years, fingered and handled until they are stock-lossed and tossed.

They are necessary, yes, and they also bring a certain repulsion with them. I and others are disgusted by their heckling over prices, nick-picking at the condition of merch, paranoid receipt checking.

These are all normal shopping habits, but during a sale, they are boiled down into a frenzy of impulse, desire, thrift, and remorse. Most of us have been this shopper at one time or another; do not let it become your main shopping mode. Keep your dignity and avoid the reputation (which you will get behind your back) of Clearance Whore.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

This week in retail Bullshit: just buy USA already; and weekly highlights

- The candle lady that asks me to go to the candle section with her in order to identify the scent. She did it today, but I recognize her from a couple weeks before. You cannot fool me lady. I will give you the same answer that I gave you before. IT'S THE GENERIC CANDLE SMELL OF ALL THE CANDLES TOGETHER.

-Stoned umbrella guy with the black umbrella. Creating situations where I HAVE to break the rules for you is not cool. Please don't do it.

-Whoever let the rank fart in bar ware: gross. Please do not leave farts that will make other customers think that I shit my pants on the sales floor.

-If you have a very specific idea in mind, you might have to pay for it. You might not be able to find it very cheap at every fucking store you visit. You are asking for customization. It WILL NOT be cheap.

-Okay, to all the people that complain about items Made in China, but then don't buck up and pay for U.S. made product, SHUT UP. I suggest you seek out something that IS made in the U.S. and just buy it. Maybe take a couple weeks to convince yourself that you can do it. It will be expensive. But let me tell you, it is a thrill. There is a certain rush that comes from paying $300 for a pair of shoes made in the United States of America. Try it, whether you are a rich bitch or not. I am not rich. But I do enjoy scoping out an item, saving my moneys for weeks and then buying quality merchandise made in the USA. If I can do it, you can too.

Apron Shame

The other day I had a trio of young women come in to buy a gift from their girlfriend's wedding registry. They were not very impressed with the selection of items on the registry. As a group, they went in on a casserole dish and some other random item. While that was being gift wrapped, they critiqued the items left on the registry.

There was an apron on the list that was not yet purchased. They were all making fun of the apron. "Oh my god. Can you IMAGINE wearing an APRON??" The three of them cackled and guffawed over the absurdity of an apron. And then they looked at me. Who wears an apron. All day. As my uniform. They hushed themselves and spoke in low voices and moved to a different corner to talk.

For 5 minutes, I was embarrassed to be wearing an apron. And my choice of outfits for that day was very polka-dotty, girly, and disgustingly cutsey, which didn't help me to feel "cool." I felt like an quirky, apron-wearing weirdo.

I took another look at them huddled in a corner, waiting for their gift wrap and judged them real hard. And you know what? I was glad not to be them. I LIKED my outfit; it was original, adorable, and received many unanticipated compliments. I do not care to wear disposable mall clothes with AERO embroidered on the bosom. With disposable clothes, you wouldn't have to wear an apron because you might throw out your crappy clothes after they are stained anyway.

Ok, so I don't want to TOTALLY judge people that wear boring mall bought outfits. I think people should just wear what they want without being judged. Aprons are useful; I wear an apron at work as a uniform and at home to keep my adorable clothes clean. I do not feel silly or oppressed when wearing an apron. I feel smart, like, HA! I wear this sheath to keep to keep my clothes clean. What a neat trick!

If I were shopping off a friend's registry, I would buy the apron. And they can wear it like a hug.