Thursday, June 30, 2011

These are your favorite things to do, for the 1300th time

- You hem and haw and can't make up your mind.  When you finally do, I process your transaction with my routine efficiency.  One of the steps includes asking if you are part of our frequent shopper program.  For some reason, you think this is what is going to make you late for your appointment.  One yea, because all of a sudden you remember that you are in a hurry.  Not my fault you can't manage your time, grown-up.

- You grab your purse and dig through your wallet, panicking, because you KNOW I did not give you your credit card back.  I stop moving and watch you rustle through your belongings.  I reassure you that I do not still have your card.  I remind you how I gave it to you.  I try to suggest, without being creepy, that you check your pants pocket (because I saw you put it in there).  You are positive that I still have it.  You are about 9 seconds away from accusing me of theft.  You find it.  Oh yes, you remember putting it there now! 

- You tell me you find the free coffee to be delicious.  I don't tell you that I call it diarrhea in a mug.

- You tell me how important it is to you that we all "shop local."  Then you return items you bought at our store because you think you can get them cheaper online.   

- You are crazy.  Today you wouldn't shut up about pizza and tacos.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

toby kant 'holster

Lately I've noticed a lot of people looking at furniture and then remarking that their friend makes furniture.  In most instances, it is a couple and it goes a little something like this:

"Toby knows how to make furniture."

"Really?  Toby?  I did not know that Toby could make furniture."

The furniture maker is usually a mutual friend.  They will talk for a few moments about his strange and wonderful character.

"Yea, he could totally make a chair like this."

"Really?  I love this chair!  Would he make one for us?"

"Oh yea, he loves making stuff.  That guy could build anything."

Freed from the consumer lasso!  They don't need to pay retail for these soulless chairs!  They have a genius friend that loves nothing more than making shit for people he had a class with once.

"I mean, he can't upholster it, but he knows how to work with wood.  He could totally build the frame."

"Oh yea?  Then we could just get someone else to upholster it!!"

AH HA!  Toby can't upholster.  No big deal though.  Just find someone else to add the springs, cushions, padding, and coverings. 

"We should have him do it!"

"We totally should!"

It's never going to happen.

I am all for people making their own things and I know there are people that are capable of building whatever they want and could make furniture or whatever else. But there is a lot that goes into making a frickin sofa.  Maybe Toby the genius knows how to work with wood, but what about all the rest of it?  Again, I don't doubt that there are people who can build a chair from wood frame to tailored covering, but I do doubt that all these people I overhear have friends that are actually willing do it.  Especially for friends who are only wanting Toby to do it so that they can save money.  Which means Toby would probably have to work for free and that could really cut into his free time for doing other projects.  And Toby definitely sounds like the sort of person that has a woodshop full of projects.

weekly highlights

- We carry this one line of citrus squeezers that makes different squeezers for limes, lemons, and oranges.  The lime one is green, the lemon is yellow, and the orange is orange.  People FREAK OUT if we are out of the one they need.  It is useless to tell them that the lemon squeezer will work for most limes as well. 

- Yesterday's theme:  people deciding something was a certain way and then getting pissed at me when I gently corrected them because I can't make an event that never was a past reality. 

- I had a woman ask me if a particular lotion she was buying was "good."  I found myself caught off guard because I HATE the brand; I find their scents extremely strong, fake, and perfumey.  But customers love them and we sell the crap out of them.  Fearful that I made a yuk face, I came back with "well, personally, this is not my preferred scent, but the lotion is nice."  It didn't really matter though because she answered her cell phone and had a loud conversation with her adult child.  When she got off the phone, she told me that it was nice that I was "gainfully employed."

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Life Skills

I overheard a conversation today between two woman talking about their friend.  Apparently, their friend has had the same housekeeper since the mid 1970's and she doesn't want to keep the housekeeper on any more but doesn't know how to fire her.

You know, the woman who's been cleaning up your filth for the past 40 plus years?  Don't they teach this in school?  How to handle the help?


Saturday, June 18, 2011

sac up: double baggers

Today I loaded a customer's purchases into one of our large bags.  The items were bulky, but not heavy, and the bag was not overly full or bulging or strained.  I am very cautious about loading bags.

Then she asked for a double bag because "she had a ways to walk."

I am going to comment and judge her based on my own life.  I know where she was going because I confirmed her address when I rang her up.  She was going 3 blocks, a 5 minute walk, 0.4 miles.  That is not far.  I walk everywhere.  My walking commute is 3 times this distance, and I don't consider that "far."  I carry everything, so I know when a bag is too heavy or awkward or weak.  She was just thoughtlessly paranoid.

I didn't give her a bag.  I reassured her that the bags can hold 40-45 pounds (which they can; we've tried).  Had she INSISTED, I would have double bagged, but it was an unnecessary and ridiculous request. 

There are many bad bag packers out there, but not me.  I am sure I have bragged about this before, but I am really good at packing a bag.  CUSTOMERS!  Rest assured that in my hands, your precious purchases are safe and smartly packed.

Friday, June 10, 2011

might i suggest a male stripper?

Hello!  I was really hoping that you would come in today!  Preferably at the very last five minutes and ask me what you should get your friend for their birthday!

Fuck.  Ok, ok, I can do this.  I can help you find the perfect gift, I tell myself, while the devil on my other shoulder says that I can't and reminds me of all my closing chores.

"Do they drink?"  please drink.  please be drinkers.  "Like wine or cocktails?  Bar accessories can be fun!"  Maybe this is always my first suggestion because situations like this make ME want a drink.

"Yes!  They do.  They love wine!"

YES!  "Look at these fine things . . ."

"Hm.  Well, these are cute, but I want something more . . . "


"YES!  Special!"

Of course you do.  You reek of special.

I trot you around the store and show you all the cutest specialest things I can find.  You shoot every single suggestion down.  ARGH!  Are you so delusional as to think that you can wander in here last minute and find a gift that makes you look like you REALLY CARE when you only sort of do?

And why do you have to make it my fault?

Sunday, June 5, 2011


I had a customer come in today and ask the location of a specific bank.  I don't understand why people think I should know all the banks including locations and ATM fees.  I looked the bank up in the phone book (why do these fools even have fancy ass phones if they don't use them?) and consulted with my co-workers about the bank in question.  The bank had a branch that was out of the way and difficult to explain to this out-of-towner.

The whole time, in my mind, I'm wondering why he hasn't gone to one of the banks across the street and used their ATMs?  I mean, there will be a fee, but what is $2 or $3 compared to 60-90 minutes of fucking around, driving all over a strange town, talking to people that don't give a shit about your bank problems because they are trying to help the real customers in their store?  Then he mentioned that he wanted to find the bank because he didn't want to pay the $3 for the ATM across the street.  Fuck off.  As far as I'm concerned, that's the price you pay for not planning in advance.

Hell, I occasionally use an ATM 4 blocks away from my bank because I need the money NOW and I don't have the time to wait 8 blocks (there and back).  Often, I'm with friends and don't want to drag them all around just because I wasn't smart enough to get some cash after work.

Maybe file this under "that's why rich people are rich:"  gripping those dollar bills SO TIGHT.  But it seems rather stupid to me.  Just pay the fee.  Or go to a damn drug store, buy a pack of gum, and get some cash back, just like the rest of us dummies.

Friday, June 3, 2011


Wow.  I can't remember anything special about today.  Maybe it was too horrible.  Or maybe nothing exciting happened.  Thank you, brain, for blocking out any unnecessary bullshit.  And thank you internet for being there for me.