Sunday, August 28, 2011

High Times and Low Lives part 1

A new series at Blame the Clerk in which I will highlight the best and worst part of my day, best being the "high time" and worst labeled under "low lives" (which implies that a person will be the cause of the worst part of my day, presumptuous, but sadly will probably be true). 


High:  catching a dragonfly in a cheese dome!  The dinosaur bug flew through an open door and was batting itself against the lights.  Miraculously, it landed in a spot I could reach it and let my corral it into the dome.  It was a lovely specimen.  I took it around and showed it to everyone before I let it go.  Customers and staff were equally wowed.

Low:  The couple that brought back a glass candle holder because it broke.  After they'd had it over a year.  When they received it as a gift.   SURE, they were "nice" and didn't throw a fit and demand to be compensated for their tragic loss, but they DID bring it in.  Deep down they were hoping and expecting that we would replace it.  Some people will read this and howl on about customer service and standing by our products blahblahblah.  The fact is that it was a cheap piece of glass without a warranty and they'd had and used it quite a while before it broke.  GLASS FUCKING BREAKS.  If you are the sort of person that is surprised by this, you should not own glass (or anything, really).  And just because you get a piece of glass from a Nice Store doesn't mean that it will last forever and they are obligated to forever keep you in glass when you break your glass vessel every few years.  Seriously couple with the broken glass?  You have so much time and energy you can spend the better part of a weekend day fucking around at a store about your broken glass vase?  You are actually going to make me say to you "well, unfortunately, glass can break."?  Yea.  Your vase broke.  That sucks.  Get a new fucking vase.

I could rant on about this for a long time.  Maybe the vase was a gift from a recently departed friend or relative.  That would be sad, but it is just a fucking vase.  Replacing a vase would not replace the person (we did not, by the way, have the vase any more so I couldn't have replaced it even if I wanted).  Maybe they both lost their jobs and are now SUPER poor and can't afford another vase.  Go to a thrift store, hit up a yard sale, tell everyone you know that you need a new vase.  This isn't even a realistic scenario because someone that is too poor to replace their vase sure as hell can't afford to buy candles (the vase was being used as a candle holder/burner).  Maybe you really do understand that glass can break but someone encouraged you to "ask anyway.  never hurts to ask."  Which is sort of true, but come on!  That thought and action is way overused, to the point that I am get embarrassed for people.  Like right now.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

sale weekend part two

Today is probably going to be another under-staffed shitstorm.  I am trying hard not to be too grumpy, tired, and stressed.  I really don't want work to give me gray hair and bad health. 

Deep calming breaths.

Happy thoughts.

Lots of water.

It's just work.

Friday, August 26, 2011

take time to stop and eat the roses

Yesterday began a new phase of our end-of-summer-sale:  the ultra markdowns.  Though it was nice to be busy, I am labeling the day as crappy because it put me and my normally cheerful co-workers in grumpy moods and wore me down completely.  All day I was hurrying and running around.  ALL DAY.  This sale has been a marathon of sorts and I need a little break.

There is a difference between regular store busy and super sale busy.  When customers shop a sale, they often abandon manners and decency, crapping equally on clerks and their fellow shoppers.  They reek of desperation, asking again and again for products that have sold out.  Their greed is insatiable, constantly pestering for lower prices.

All I want today is to help some semi-nice humans who are happy to find a few bargains and I would like to have lunch at a respectable hour.

Monday, August 15, 2011


To the man that came in and tried to rant about how "nothing is made in the USA": did you even look?

If you mistrust the word of your local clerks, perhaps you could trust the facts from strangers on the tool called the Internet.  Sorry dude, but the nothing-is-made-in-the-USA is a tired complaint and no longer shows frustration, but rather, lazy stinginess.

Also, for items of which there is no domestically made alternative, have you considered that maybe it is not as simple as you think?  There are a lot of things that consumers expect to be inexpensive and I cannot imagine a USA version.  Who is going to work in these factories?  Because YOUR kids are going to have Important Jobs, not lowly factory work.

Anyway.  I think of this often.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Four eyes

I wear glasses.  I can sort of see without them and often, when I'm not working, go without them to give my ears a rest.  But when I want or need to see well, I put on my spectacles.  It's amazing, really, these little pieces of plastic that give me sight.

When I am at work, I always wear my glasses.  I need to see and focus quickly.  I am always a little annoyed by people that don't wear their glasses and have me read everything for them.  Some of these glasses are readers, but I say, glasses are glasses.  A lot of us only need them sometimes, but those are the times when we should wear them.

There are customers that will have me walk through the store with them, finding items, reading price tags, describing items that to them look like blobs of color.  They usually say something like, "oh my glasses are in the car."  Sometimes they will even admit that their glasses are in their purse.  They will make a shameful face, like "I know glasses will help me see, but they are so ugly."

Put your fucking glasses on and get over it.  


- Yesterday some customer farted near my station.  That is annoying because I dislike the smell of farts and I also don't want other people to think I am farting and standing in my stink cloud.

- Sometimes ladies will purchase glasses or plates as replacements for losses when their husband was doing dishes.  And they will complain about it.  I wish I could tell them to shut the fuck up.  If someone else is doing dishes and you occasionally lose a glass, it seems worth it to me.

- There is a woman I have dubbed Pillow Problem Lady because she is always searching for the perfect pillows for her sofa without success.  I cringe when I see her because I know she is going to be disappointed.

- We sell these throws that are made of synthetic bouclĂ© yarn.  They aren't that great, but customers go crazy for them.  I think I need to be in the cheap throw business.

- There were a unusual number of crappy kids in the store the other day.  I remember looking at one family and thinking "you make me want to get my tubes tied."