Sunday, March 3, 2013

How to be sick at work

Sometimes you just have to go to work with a cold.  When you are not sick, everyone likes to talk about how the sick should just stay home and you agree with them.  Then you get sick and realize that it is not always possible.  Here are some tips for being sick at work.

- If you are going to be around people who are repulsed by sickness or if you want to retain some dignity while suffering, do not admit that you are sick.  You have ALLERGIES.  This leaves you free to sneeze, cough, and blow your nose all you want.  Maybe even take a Benadryl.

- If you are going to take cold medicine, don't over-dose.  But DO enjoy the high while doing your job.  Customer service Hunter S. Thompson style.

- Wear neutral hued but noisy shoes.  The point is not to draw attention to the color, but rather to be loud enough that people will get out of your way when you are running for a tissue or to cover up sniffling and coughing with loud stomps.

- Cough drops are great.  Suck on them as much as you want.  Jolly Ranchers and other hard candies also soothe the throat and do not give away that you are sick.  I like to mix cough drops and hard candies in a ziplock bag, granny style, and keep them in my pocket.

- Win favor with co-workers by bringing them hand sanitizer and Emergen-C.  Even though they are probably doomed, they will appreciate the gesture.

- Choose tasks that will let you hide from people as much as possible.  There are usually some jobs that are always put off because they are messy or boring or lonely.  This is the perfect day for that near mindless task.

- If you are not deathly ill, go to work and then see if you can leave early.  It sucks, but coming in and leaving early can be tweaked into a a valiant effort while calling in sick leaves co-workers wondering if you are just hungover or a faker.  But pay attention:  if you multiple employees are trying this strategy, you will need first dibs.

- Nobody questions an employee with diarrhea.  Use this wisely.