Sunday, April 28, 2013

How To Poop At Work

1. Scope out all possible bathrooms.  Sometimes the closest one is not the best; you can run into co-workers or echo farting noises out into hallways.  Some of the best bathrooms are tucked away in ugly closets.

2. Carry a scent masker.  Matches are great, but the burning smell can alarm some people.  Room sprays work, but super floral or perfumey ones annoy people with scent allergies.  A natural, essential oil spray is great because it smells like aromatherapy or some gentle cleaning.  Some people may still have problems with these scents, but more people will be okay with citrus essential oil spray than fake lilac spray.  

3. Eat properly.  A diet rich in fiber makes for efficient poops that eliminate the need to camp out with an US Weekly farting for hours.

4. If possible, poop when you feel it.  If you work some place where extra bathroom time can be a problem, use the diarrhea excuse.

5. Though it is wasteful, the "double flush" method is effective for odor control:  Flush IMMEDIATELY after pooping, then again for the paper.


Friday, April 26, 2013


Several weeks ago I became part a conservation my co-worker was having with a difficult couple placing an order for a piece of furniture.  The wife was badgering us about the delivery fee, saying we were "nickel and diming" them.  It was very uncomfortable because she would not let up, and I didn't feel like we actually were taking advantage of her.  We have an extremely reasonable delivery fee and most customers say so.

She then began making claims that she could purchase the same item at a different store, a couple hours away, for less and with free delivery.  I found that wildly implausible since everything I'd ever heard about the store was that it is more expensive.  I also couldn't imagine them offering up free delivery.  It just didn't make sense.  It also didn't make sense that she would be so eager to buy the furniture from us when she had found it cheaper elsewhere.

I was slightly ill on this day and not my best for dealing with this sort of person, though I don't think there is ever a good day for it.  As she attempted to manipulate us with her lies and threats, my co-worker and I became quiet and just hustled to get her out of there.  We were not going to give in because she was too absurd, but it was plain that she wouldn't give up.

Now to today.  Her furniture was delivered.  The men delivering the furniture showed up at the store after with her old furniture, which was half dog hair and totally worn out.  What???  When they showed up to deliver the new furniture, the customer told them someone at the store wanted the old furniture and to take it away.  This was a complete COMPLETE falsehood.  Very crafty and so wrong.

This is a customer who has spent a good deal of money with us, and, as far as I know, has caused relatively little trouble so far.  And though this little episode is annoying, it will pass because there are far worse problems to deal with.  But I cannot stop thinking about how she is a horrible person.  Her skills are too advanced for me to believe that this is the first time and only place that she LIES.  I wonder about her life and the stress of it:  feeling she is owed what she isn't, figuring out loopholes, trying out manipulative phrases, lying to herself until it feels like the truth.  I wonder if she feels smart and proud.

Oh, and the store she was having had cheaper prices and free delivery?  I called it later, in a sort of spy-mode as a potential customer and asked about the furniture pricing and delivery.  The price was significantly more and the delivery was several hundred dollars (MUCH more than ours).  I didn't get crappy and press the woman into giving me free delivery because it didn't matter.  It was more than obvious that our customer was LYING.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Egg containers

My grandma had a bunch of these lidded, chicken shaped containers and I could never figure them out. Were they weird candy dishes?  They didn't make much sense, but for ladies who had strange porcelain plate collections, they fit right in.  Sort of.

A couple years ago, I saw a pink lidded chicken at a thrift store and became inextricably drawn to the vessel.  It was cheap and then it was on sale, so I bought it.  In my google research, I learned that these dishes were for holding eggs on the counter, like when you want them room temperature for a recipe.  This suddenly made perfect sense to me.  And suddenly these dishes, which I see everywhere, made much more sense:
The porcelain egg crate.  It is the new lidded chicken.  Sure, people like to say they use this when they collect their chicken eggs, but I seriously doubt they carry this 6 holed breakable thing out to the coop.  But it is SO cute, and is perfect for holding eggs on the counter while they come to room temp.  

Thursday, April 18, 2013

It's time to talk about wedding registries again.

All of a sudden, we are in bridal season again and I feel the need to talk about registries.  Specifically, what I see as a clerk and how you can use my knowledge!

You have to do a registry.  I know, you don't need anything because you are 37, wildly successful, and have been cohabiting since you were 19.  But if you don't do a registry, your family is probably going to bitch, so take an evening an register a couple places.  Real Simple magazine online recommended registering at a brick and mortar store to appease old fogey guests, and as a brick and mortar store worker, I have to agree that you should just do it.

1.  Don't register for cleaning products.  I mean, you can put them on there if you want, but I have NEVER sold a mop off a registry, not even to your cool, understanding friends who make a habit of buying the practical items on registries.

2.  Duh, don't register for things you don't want or need, but do register for things that you want but are maybe a little ridiculous and frivolous.  Things like cake plates, tagines, crazy glass vases, whatever.  So many registry tips say "don't register for gadgets you won't use."  I'm not talking about gadgets.  I'm talking about that weird awesome thing you saw on your favorite lifestyle blog that might just make your life complete.  These are the "cool things you'd never buy for yourself" and that is what your guests want to buy for you.

3.  Aunts love to buy the following items:  dinnerware, china, flatware, glasses and stemware, and table linens.  If you need these items and you have aunts, put these on your registry.

4.  Let's pretend there is something huge and expensive that you really want, but you know none of your guests will be able to afford it.  Never underestimate the rich, procrastinating uncle who will see that on your registry and buy a hefty giftcard.