Hey, employees! Don't steal.

Employee theft is weird. I do not condone it. Some employees are really clever and find ways to get a little something for free and never get caught. Most thieving employees are definitely not clever and are dicks because the repercussions of their actions are residual and last past the time that they are fired and move on to rip off other employers.

Thieving employees often try to justify their actions with the case that they are not properly compensated for their skills. This is bullshit. Lots of awesome employees are underpaid and do not receive enough praise. I say "tough shit." If you were truly a great employee, you wouldn't steal.

After an offender is gone, there is still a mess of distrust and loss prevention. Everything is looked at with suspicion and once harmless actions (the 11 minute break, the digging through the stock loss garbage) bring about a dangerous kind of attention.

So don't steal. I will let you know right now that you are now that you are not smart enough to get away with it and when you DO get caught, we will all hate you for making our lives more difficult than they already are.

In praise of customers: It's not all bad news!

Lately I've witnessed a lot more customers bringing in and using bags to haul off their merch. Those packable nylon bags, the Chico bag and similar styles, seem to have changed the way customers think about bags. Canvas bags are bulky; if you are not in the habit of being a bag lady and carrying them with you everywhere, it can be difficult to get into. But a little light-weight bag that collapses in on itself can fit in side most purses. Simply changing the material makes all the difference.

There have also been a lot of customers that are making a decided effort to "shop local." I acknowledge that box stores employ people too, but I think it is great when people are more thoughtful about their purchases instead of mindlessly driving to the mall just because and usually with the assumption that the prices will be cheaper there.

Customers are people too and sometimes they are alright.

Sale!!

Sale shoppers are the dung beetles of the retail world. They are the maggots feeding on the carrion merchandise. They are necessary. Without them, the dead items of seasons past would linger for years, fingered and handled until they are stock-lossed and tossed.

They are necessary, yes, and they also bring a certain repulsion with them. I and others are disgusted by their heckling over prices, nick-picking at the condition of merch, paranoid receipt checking.

These are all normal shopping habits, but during a sale, they are boiled down into a frenzy of impulse, desire, thrift, and remorse. Most of us have been this shopper at one time or another; do not let it become your main shopping mode. Keep your dignity and avoid the reputation (which you will get behind your back) of Clearance Whore.

This week in retail Bullshit: just buy USA already; and weekly highlights

- The candle lady that asks me to go to the candle section with her in order to identify the scent. She did it today, but I recognize her from a couple weeks before. You cannot fool me lady. I will give you the same answer that I gave you before. IT'S THE GENERIC CANDLE SMELL OF ALL THE CANDLES TOGETHER.

-Stoned umbrella guy with the black umbrella. Creating situations where I HAVE to break the rules for you is not cool. Please don't do it.

-Whoever let the rank fart in bar ware: gross. Please do not leave farts that will make other customers think that I shit my pants on the sales floor.

-If you have a very specific idea in mind, you might have to pay for it. You might not be able to find it very cheap at every fucking store you visit. You are asking for customization. It WILL NOT be cheap.

-Okay, to all the people that complain about items Made in China, but then don't buck up and pay for U.S. made product, SHUT UP. I suggest you seek out something that IS made in the U.S. and just buy it. Maybe take a couple weeks to convince yourself that you can do it. It will be expensive. But let me tell you, it is a thrill. There is a certain rush that comes from paying $300 for a pair of shoes made in the United States of America. Try it, whether you are a rich bitch or not. I am not rich. But I do enjoy scoping out an item, saving my moneys for weeks and then buying quality merchandise made in the USA. If I can do it, you can too.

Apron Shame

The other day I had a trio of young women come in to buy a gift from their girlfriend's wedding registry. They were not very impressed with the selection of items on the registry. As a group, they went in on a casserole dish and some other random item. While that was being gift wrapped, they critiqued the items left on the registry.

There was an apron on the list that was not yet purchased. They were all making fun of the apron. "Oh my god. Can you IMAGINE wearing an APRON??" The three of them cackled and guffawed over the absurdity of an apron. And then they looked at me. Who wears an apron. All day. As my uniform. They hushed themselves and spoke in low voices and moved to a different corner to talk.

For 5 minutes, I was embarrassed to be wearing an apron. And my choice of outfits for that day was very polka-dotty, girly, and disgustingly cutsey, which didn't help me to feel "cool." I felt like an quirky, apron-wearing weirdo.

I took another look at them huddled in a corner, waiting for their gift wrap and judged them real hard. And you know what? I was glad not to be them. I LIKED my outfit; it was original, adorable, and received many unanticipated compliments. I do not care to wear disposable mall clothes with AERO embroidered on the bosom. With disposable clothes, you wouldn't have to wear an apron because you might throw out your crappy clothes after they are stained anyway.

Ok, so I don't want to TOTALLY judge people that wear boring mall bought outfits. I think people should just wear what they want without being judged. Aprons are useful; I wear an apron at work as a uniform and at home to keep my adorable clothes clean. I do not feel silly or oppressed when wearing an apron. I feel smart, like, HA! I wear this sheath to keep to keep my clothes clean. What a neat trick!

If I were shopping off a friend's registry, I would buy the apron. And they can wear it like a hug.

Highlights of the June

- The lady that was worried that the sun would fade her white cotton sofa: what are you afraid of?? That it will be a whiter white?? Your worries do not make sense. Shut up.

- The lady that used the public restroom and then told me that My Bathroom was out of "supplies." It will get taken care of on schedule, just as it always does. And, I am not the building custodian.

- There is a customer man, a "regular" you might say, that comes in and buys stuff and is nice enough, but he has crossed a line. That line where you go from making pleasant small talk to taking the clerks hostage. They have to be nice to you. Don't talk at them. When every conversation leads to you telling a crazy story about yourself, you are abusing the clerk/customer relationship.

- I love to hear customers use nicknames. The latest I've heard: Blossom and Buddha.

- It is WAY tacky to buy placemats, use them for your party, and then return them to the store. I have said this before. It is still unacceptable. DO NOT do it. You are gross if you do.

God I miss you so fucking much Internet

I moved into an apartment by myself.

I do not have a computer. So of course no internet.

I miss it so much. I read books. I go for walks. I watch movies and play with my cat and sleep in everyday.

Lame.