i have but one back, and i don't want to break it for you.

It's probably my own fault. I work/have worked demeaning retail jobs for my whole life. Why would I do that? I'm probably stupid. Since I'm probably stupid, I probably compensate by having super human strength, despite the fact that I appear to be an average size.

So of course customers would not hesitate to ask me to carry insanely heavy things to their cars for them. And if not me, then one of my co-workers: equally (if not more) fragile ladies, hired for their ability to merchandise, count back change, and give advice on napkin choice, NOT lifting hide-a-beds.

Oh, we have a system for helping those people that are too stingy to pay our delivery fee, which is less than $50, by the way. But customers don't listen and just SHOW UP and then we have no choice but to find a way to throw a console table into their truck. I cringe when one of my co-workers that should not be lifting heavy things does just once in order to help a customer.

Sure. It's just a credenza. A solid wood table. Six feet long. With a shelf and two unremovable drawers. When was the last time you picked a fucking tree up off the ground and gently placed it in the back of a Volvo?

I'm going to blog the shit out of you

The other day I had this customer come in 50 minutes before the store closed and purchase a LARGE, HEAVY piece of furniture. I started the whole delivery-for-a-nominal-fee versus "free" pick-up conversation. The customer asked (basically quote) "don't you have some beefy guys that can throw it in the back of my truck?" And I'm, like, "No." I thought he was joking. His tone was even sort of jokey, so I was playful. But when I chuckled and said no, shit got desperately serious.

He actually thought that we paid warehouse guys to stand around the store JUST IN CASE someone wanted to cheap out on delivery and have them hall a clearance floor model piece of furniture to a customer vehicle instead. The customer became pissy and wondered off to bitch into his cell phone. Meanwhile, I called the warehouse in a panic, hoping that someone was still there and that they would be able to hotfoot it over and haul the merch.

Luckily, someone was at the warehouse and he cheerfully came to help. BUT bitchy man customer was still put out EVEN THOUGH HE WAS GETTING EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTED (in all caps). He sat and pouted for the 12 minutes it took the warehouse staff to get there. I couldn't even look at him. When I did get a glimpse of him in my peripheral, I wanted to puke because he felt the need to keep being a jerk with this silent pissy attitude. Like, let it go man. And though the same could be said for ME, I will say in my defense that I get over situations pretty quickly. If there is some residual crappiness, I write there. But I honestly try to be humble, see both sides, and fucking forgive.

All I could think to pacify myself when he was sitting there is: "I'm gonna blog the shit out of you, unreasonable, stupid man." And that was reassuring.