The Saddest Plastic Bag Story in the World

I was ringing this customer one day. She was an older woman, pleasant, but sort of ordinary. I was in a crappy mood that day, so I was judging everything about everyone. I asked her if she needed a bag. She said she did and actually asked if she could have a big one even though her purchases would easily fit inside a medium size bag.

When I bent down to grab a bag, I rolled my eyes, but was all fake, gracious smiles when I rose up. Our transaction should have been over. I gave her pathetic, wasteful ass the big flippin bag she wanted. But then she had to tell me how she uses the large bags to line the car seat so that she can more easily swivel her disabled husband out. I glanced out the window and there, in the handicap stop, I saw a silhouette of a larger man, on the passenger side of a crappy old car.

I thought about how durable our plastic bags are and how long it must take them to wear one out. I imagined that the wife was probably on her biennial shopping trip. She comes to the store, gets one pretty little knick-knack and a big plastic bag and the rest of the time they are frugal little mice because their health problems consume them.

Goddamn it I am a jerk.

It's a great time to be in love.

As you may have heard, our economy is going tits up and everyone is freaking out except my stingy brother who told me: "The people that make money through a recession are those that do not PANIC."

Everyday news is bad, but I try to keep up the "Don't Panic!" mantra, if not to keep myself calm, then to avoid giving customers the satisfaction of smelling fear, which they love. I work with a giddy laugh and a coy smile; I haven't a care in the world.

But it is nerve wracking when hours are whittled away, benefits shrink, and people are squeezed out like painful little turds. I lose sleep thinking how it is not the time to be working high-end retail.

Then a wonderful thing happened; my co-worker got engaged. Since her's is a cute dreamy love story that had a sad beginning and what looks to be a happy ending, we are all feeding off her love and excitement. It is the best thing that has happened in weeks. Everyone is all smiles now, even as we accept buyer's remorse returns and sell merchandise 50% below cost. It is so great that I am thinking of faking engagement to my lover once this first excitement wears off.

But I have a secret too. My lover gave me a present, more precious to me than some hand-me-down ring: a sweet-ass résumé!  Just in case.