My Give-A-Shitter's Broke

-Lately, whenever I hear someone say "mortar and pestle" my brain twists it into "mortal and pester" and I laugh to myself because that's what customers are/do.

-It's wedding season, so we are busy with registering couples. All the usual caricatures are there: the fighting couple, the bossy mother, the "bridezilla." It turns me off of the idea of marriage; living in sin seems so much more rational. But then you don't get presents . . .

-My favorite way to deliver bad news is to leave it in a phone message. I give all the bad news and my name and I ask them to call me. This has worked for me quite well so far. It works because there is a brief span of time between when they hear the news and when they talk to me, and during that time they lose a little of the irrational nonsense anger and have time to get their thoughts in order. And when I get their call, I know that they know and I can almost pretend that someone else was the bearer of bad news. Try it sometime!

-I overheard a customer talking about how she didn't like her Le Creuset dutch oven, so she is using it for a dog water bowl. She can ditch her $300 pan without trying to resell it? She is willing and able to eat $300 for a pan? What recession?

-Requests for tortilla presses? Must be Cinco de Mayo time! The abundence of gadgets makes me appreciate my hands even more.

-I overheard some woman complaining about the thickness of some bakeware. "You'd think that with all the Technology, they could make something thinner." Statements like this kill me because people don't seem to realize that the product they want and are describing is probably already out there, but it costs more. Bitching is not the same as inventing.

-I thought I was sick. I've had a cough and sniffles, and although I do not lack energy, I do not seem to get well. Then my friend said that I probably have allergies. Of course! Why didn't I think of that! I have taken a Benadryl at work the last couple days and it is awesome. I get a little dreamy and rummy and totally chill. I am relaxed and in control. I am the cool calm center of the storm. Welcome.