Book: Unlikely Friendships

Have you seen this book?

I see it everywhere.  We tell tons of copies.

A big ol' "Why didn't I think of that?"

People were buying 20 at a time.  "The perfect gift for anyone for anything," customers say.

It's only a matter of time before someone gifts me a copy.  And then the cycle will be complete.

This is not in my job description

I have come to despise the couple with the little snorting dog. They are the ones that will stand at the counter for 20 minutes, waiting for one of us to feed their stupid pet, no matter how busy we are with other customers. If we don't feed him, they will talk to us through the dog. "I guess she's too busy to give you a treat, Little Dog. We'll have to try again later." Then they pull the tiny beast away.

At first I only hated the owners for encouraging the dog's behavior. But now I hate the dog too. He salivates at the sight of anyone in an apron and strains himself against his leash to get to the counter faster. I would never wish harm on him, but if I heard that he died peacefully in his sleep, I would think "Meh."

Though I have to admit, the situation has gotten better for me since I told them I was allergic to dogs . . .

Early Summer Bitchfest Roundup

-I was staring out the window and saw a young woman that is a customer of ours. She recently registered and I don't know if she is stupid or devious, but I find her difficult. There she was, walking down the street on a lovely summer day with her mother and grandmother, eating an icecream cone. And me, jaded bitchy clerk, immediately thought "Good to see that little bitch feeding her ass. I bet she's one of those woman that get married and then 'let themselves go'." I feel a little bit horrible.

-There is one couple and their dog that really bug the crap out me. I used to say that I didn't mind the dog, just the owners, but I realized I don't like the dog either. Although technically he is handsome, he is dumb as a sack of hammers and has no personality. They might as well be dragging around a stuffed toy that blows snot everywhere.

-Their is an elderly man that comes in and tells jokes. Although I like the situation in theory, the man has lost some sense of boundaries and makes customers and staff uncomfortable with his dirty sexy jokes, some of which are improvised. Dementia+Improv+Dirty Jokes=AWKward!

-The other day we got a new molcajete. We were touching it, play-grinding spices and avocados. Huge chunks of stone were coming off the inside of the bowl and grinder. I don't know if that was supposed to happen or not, but it seems like serving food speckled with gravel is a bad idea. Our manager said it needed to be "seasoned." While I don't doubt that, I dread the thought of trying to sell customers a cheap crumbling version of an ancient tool and to convince them that the tablespoon of grit is just part of the seasoning process.

a customer so human, they might be awesome

Guy comes in today, ready to buy a sectional sofa, with his fabric and style all picked out. I asked what fabric he chose, ready to hate it because I seem to hate all the customer choices, perhaps out of boredom and perhaps because of my own great taste. I looked at it and said "oh, it's the same fabric that's on this piece in here, but in a different color." He looked at the other sofa and hated the fabric. Time to start over. This is where things got awesome.

He admitted that they had cats and that the cats were going to puke on the couch. No one ever says that to me. Usually when people say they have pets, they try to convince themselves that the animals won't have anything to do with the furniture: like, once you bring the new sofa home, there are no more cats in the living room and the baby gate is going up for the dog to keep that filthy beast away from the beautiful beige loveseat.

The wife came into the store to help pick back-up fabric that didn't look so "muppet." She was great too! What a lucky clerk am I to get to help a delightful couple are not trying to use me against each other! I brought out a fabric swatch and the wife said "yea we saw that yesterday. kind of baby shit."

You know it's going to be a good day when your customers are swearing in front of you, but not at you.