believe it or not

1. Customers don't believe that we don't carry everything, for example, whatever they want.  What sort of perfect world do they think this is where they can call up the first place they think of and find the exact weirdly specific item they have decided they need?

2. Sometimes people's mothers aren't very nice.

3. I spent a good portion of the day directing traffic to the bathrooms.  You know, pointing them in the proper direction, reassuring them that it wasn't too far, chasing them out of closets and offices they thought might be a bathroom (despite signs stating they are not).

4. Sometimes the way people enjoy sitting on a sofa is to sit on a throw pillow on the sofa cushion.  People do all kinds of weird shit to the pillows.

5. Sometimes people have poor luck with an item so they will exchange it.  Makes sense.  The first one was probably defective.  But sometimes they keep having "defective" items and keep exchanging it.  Why would you keep getting an item when you have a history of problems with multiple items?  "This thing is shitty, but I like it.  I know I'll have trouble with this thing and all its shitty replacements because it is shitty, but I like it.  I give it as wedding gifts!"

6.  Sometimes people don't want to pay the change on their total.
"Your total is $20.35."
(hands me a $20 bill.)
I pause, thinking they might slowly be going for change.  After a moment I repeat:
"Your total is $20.35."

See, they think I'm going to pull 35 cents out of a magical non-existant change jar or perhaps my own pocket.  I used to feel sorry for these people.  I fell into the trap of thinking that maybe they were just a little short, you know?  They just needed a few cents, right?  What's the harm?  Well, the harm is that they are fucking faking and they ALWAYS have change.  They have a jangling separate purse full of coin.  They are just being cheap.  And think about it this way:  if they truly don't have enough money to buy their items, maybe they don't need all those items.  One sure fire way to get change fakers to cough up coin is to ask them which items they want to put back.  So, back to my story:

(looks of feigned confusion by the customer when I repeat the total)
"Don't you have a quarter and a dime?  For the 35 cents?"
(they fish the change out of their purse and we finish.)

Keep it simple.  Never accuse.  There is a time and place for accusations and that is the Internet.

High Times and Low Lives part 1

A new series at Blame the Clerk in which I will highlight the best and worst part of my day, best being the "high time" and worst labeled under "low lives" (which implies that a person will be the cause of the worst part of my day, presumptuous, but sadly will probably be true). 

Today.

High:  catching a dragonfly in a cheese dome!  The dinosaur bug flew through an open door and was batting itself against the lights.  Miraculously, it landed in a spot I could reach it and let my corral it into the dome.  It was a lovely specimen.  I took it around and showed it to everyone before I let it go.  Customers and staff were equally wowed.

Low:  The couple that brought back a glass candle holder because it broke.  After they'd had it over a year.  When they received it as a gift.   SURE, they were "nice" and didn't throw a fit and demand to be compensated for their tragic loss, but they DID bring it in.  Deep down they were hoping and expecting that we would replace it.  Some people will read this and howl on about customer service and standing by our products blahblahblah.  The fact is that it was a cheap piece of glass without a warranty and they'd had and used it quite a while before it broke.  GLASS FUCKING BREAKS.  If you are the sort of person that is surprised by this, you should not own glass (or anything, really).  And just because you get a piece of glass from a Nice Store doesn't mean that it will last forever and they are obligated to forever keep you in glass when you break your glass vessel every few years.  Seriously couple with the broken glass?  You have so much time and energy you can spend the better part of a weekend day fucking around at a store about your broken glass vase?  You are actually going to make me say to you "well, unfortunately, glass can break."?  Yea.  Your vase broke.  That sucks.  Get a new fucking vase.


I could rant on about this for a long time.  Maybe the vase was a gift from a recently departed friend or relative.  That would be sad, but it is just a fucking vase.  Replacing a vase would not replace the person (we did not, by the way, have the vase any more so I couldn't have replaced it even if I wanted).  Maybe they both lost their jobs and are now SUPER poor and can't afford another vase.  Go to a thrift store, hit up a yard sale, tell everyone you know that you need a new vase.  This isn't even a realistic scenario because someone that is too poor to replace their vase sure as hell can't afford to buy candles (the vase was being used as a candle holder/burner).  Maybe you really do understand that glass can break but someone encouraged you to "ask anyway.  never hurts to ask."  Which is sort of true, but come on!  That thought and action is way overused, to the point that I am get embarrassed for people.  Like right now.

weekly highlights

-Sometimes customers come in looking for a very specific item that they are going to use in a different application other than cooking or baking. I drag this info from them with the question "what are you using it for?" When they tell me and I have a good suggestion of another place they might look for the tool they are describing, they often like to dismiss it as though I am incapable of having good ideas. And I say "thank you!"

-Yesterday I greeted a woman, but she must not have realized I worked at the store. She walked up to the counter and, peering around behind it, said "Ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling!". (impersonating a bell to get a clerk's attention). Then she asked me a weird, crazy question that is not important and has no real answer.

-A customer returned flatware because she had problems with the stickers. I empathized with her sticker problem and then attempted to offer solutions. After working all day with the damn stickers, I know a trick or two. Before I could finish that sentence, she cut me off and told me this laborious process that she tried and that she is right and she hates stickers.

First world problems!

so we meet again. not that you'd remember because you are too important. oh and you suck.

On Friday, I was walking past one of the counters when I intercepted a problematic transaction between one of my young co-workers and a customer. I came in closer to observe, all the while looking busy. After listening for about 5 seconds, a wave of adrenaline came over me. Like a crime victim, I immediately remembered the customer from one of her other transactions 2 years ago.

Here she was again, this time trying to return an item that we have NEVER CARRIED at our store. She was so horrible and insistent that she bought it from us that the owner/buyer went through her records just to double check, even though there was no such item in inventory, no employee remembered the item, and she had no receipt.

My co-worker was amazing. So cheerful and helpful, offering solutions for repair after we said, in the nicest way, that we would not take back the item. The customer, dead set on being right, asked when the store came under new ownership. With extreme pleasure, I told her that it was the same owner, just as it has been for the past 4 decades. In other words, bitch you're wrong and we all know what you're up to.

This time, we found out her name. I made a note in the system that she was a problem returner and should only be handled by management. I googled her. I allowed myself some revenge fantasies (a subscription to International Male; army recruitment applications, plastic surgery brochures). Of course, I would never DO anything because I am not only a good person, but I am professional.

Basically, I was just glad that someone else experienced her horribleness so that I don't feel like I was exaggerating or fabricating. Next time she comes in, with what I'm sure will be a complicated, questionable return, we will be ready.

4.11 part 1: Return to returns

Right at the end of the day I had this couple come in wanting to exchange this umbrella that they bought last year on clearance and hadn't opened til this year. They were saying the pole was bent and the fabric was scuffed, but basically we just argued about policy for 15 minutes.

Then I went and finally actually LOOKED at the product. It was not ours. They had bought an umbrella that someone had pulled the dirty underwear trick on: returning used product undetected for credit or new product. And those customers bought the dirty underwear.

I feel like a dip shit because USUALLY I ALWAYS look at the returned product before I even listen to what the customer is saying. The product was way worse than they were describing. If they had been more insistent, I probably would have clued in on looking at it sooner. At the same time, I want to put customers through the process of explaining their returns. We hash it over and most of the time, people that are fakers give up.

I just feel petty and fragile and stupid. I think I am going to send the customers a hand-written note telling them not to judge me. The whole thing ended well enough, but I just can't shake this jack-ass feeling.

Retail Highlights 3.27

Here are some highlights from the past few days, including customer quotes and interactions:

1. "All of our money comes from China. They'll probably start printing it there." (Customer reaction to the fact that many items are produced in China).

2. A customer walked up to me and began complaining because we are having a big sale and she had her birthday coupon. She was pissed because we can't combine discounts and wanted to carry over her coupon. I explained that we could do one discount or the other, but she still wasn't happy. So I asked her to tell me what items she was wondering about and I would figure out the bigger discount. "Oh, I don't want anything yet." was her response.

3. A customer lost her keys. She came up to me and frantically gave me her name and number "for when we found them." In my years in retail, I have noticed that usually when people loose their keys, glasses, or credit card, it is on their person, but just not in the usual spot. I didn't suggest this to her because I wasn't sure how receptive she would be. She found them. They were in her car. That counts as me being right.

4. A couple came in looking to replace their box cheese grater. They melted their last one in the dishwasher. I was showing them some different styles and they expressed concern that they would be hard to clean. They didn't think I was funny when I said "I think if your dishwasher is hot enough to melt plastic, it can melt cheese."

5. Little girl shopping with her mom, looking at the candy, said (with fake British accent) "I do SO love fudge." I can't stop saying this now.