believe it or not

1. Customers don't believe that we don't carry everything, for example, whatever they want.  What sort of perfect world do they think this is where they can call up the first place they think of and find the exact weirdly specific item they have decided they need?

2. Sometimes people's mothers aren't very nice.

3. I spent a good portion of the day directing traffic to the bathrooms.  You know, pointing them in the proper direction, reassuring them that it wasn't too far, chasing them out of closets and offices they thought might be a bathroom (despite signs stating they are not).

4. Sometimes the way people enjoy sitting on a sofa is to sit on a throw pillow on the sofa cushion.  People do all kinds of weird shit to the pillows.

5. Sometimes people have poor luck with an item so they will exchange it.  Makes sense.  The first one was probably defective.  But sometimes they keep having "defective" items and keep exchanging it.  Why would you keep getting an item when you have a history of problems with multiple items?  "This thing is shitty, but I like it.  I know I'll have trouble with this thing and all its shitty replacements because it is shitty, but I like it.  I give it as wedding gifts!"

6.  Sometimes people don't want to pay the change on their total.
"Your total is $20.35."
(hands me a $20 bill.)
I pause, thinking they might slowly be going for change.  After a moment I repeat:
"Your total is $20.35."

See, they think I'm going to pull 35 cents out of a magical non-existant change jar or perhaps my own pocket.  I used to feel sorry for these people.  I fell into the trap of thinking that maybe they were just a little short, you know?  They just needed a few cents, right?  What's the harm?  Well, the harm is that they are fucking faking and they ALWAYS have change.  They have a jangling separate purse full of coin.  They are just being cheap.  And think about it this way:  if they truly don't have enough money to buy their items, maybe they don't need all those items.  One sure fire way to get change fakers to cough up coin is to ask them which items they want to put back.  So, back to my story:

(looks of feigned confusion by the customer when I repeat the total)
"Don't you have a quarter and a dime?  For the 35 cents?"
(they fish the change out of their purse and we finish.)

Keep it simple.  Never accuse.  There is a time and place for accusations and that is the Internet.

Weekly highlights

- I love it (this is sarcasm) when parents give their children some merchandise to keep them occupied and the child destroys it while the parents shop and then the parents just stick it on some random shelf and don't say anything because they know they are crappy. How is that different than stealing or vandalism? It's sneaky, willful destruction of the property of the store. And yet, if we want them to shop with us, we have to let it happen.

- There was a lady the other day reading the back of some plates and wanted to know why they could be labeled "Microwave Safe; will get hot in microwave" since, in her opinion, getting hot in the microwave made them unsafe. We talked in circles for awhile, her stubborn and confused, and then I tried to break it up with some humor. "Well, I guess it depends on your definition of safe." She did not laugh.

- OMG! Did you know that COTTON SHRINKS!! I did and so do most of my customers. So I am so surprised when they are surprised that this fiber does in fact have this quality. And what surprises me even more is that they care. So the tablecloth has an 8 inch hang instead of 9; why does it matter?

- Throws: rugs or blankets?
Quadro jug: plastic or glass?
Birthday coupon or buy local coupon?
So many hard questions.

- There was a little boy the other day wearing translucent turquoise glasses and matching turquoise shoes with an understated, simple raincoat. He was about 4, so he was small and cute, as were his accessories. I usually don't geek out too much over the way kids are dressed because most often it is some contrived outfit picked by the parents or typical "I dressed myself!" wackiness. But this kid was special. It was weird enough that you know a parent wouldn't have done it, but more awesome than most kids would dress themselves. And it was . . . inspiring!

- I want to go to Japan so that I can buy pink Le Creuset cast iron!

"Mommies"

I realized I mention "mommies" alot and wanted to say something about them. I don't want it to seem that I hate all mothers. Mommies come up a lot in my posts because alot of our customers are mommies and, honestly, sometimes they do some really weird things.

There is a certain percentage of mothers, the ones I label "mommies", that have an entitled attitude. They talk to non-mommies like incomplete people and seem to be oblivious that some suffer from maladies worse than unconfirmed food allergies. We are supposed to be grateful that they reproduced and forgive them for everything they might say or do.

I repeat: I do not hate mothers. I am just saying that mothers can be assholes too.

Customers say the darndest things: Part 2

My boyfriend lives far away. When I went to visit him, there was a beautiful Pashmina scarf draped over his chair. He bought it when he was in the Middle East before we met. I love to wear those long thin scarves because they are lovely and warm. He let me have the scarf. It is special to me because I can't be close to him everyday.

I decided to tell people, when they complimented me on the scarf, that my boyfriend bought it for me: the truth stretched a little bit, but easier to explain and sweeter to say.

The other day I was helping a pampered mommie as she told me about her multiple homes and her decorating needs for the guest house at their lakeside estate. She told me my scarf was beautiful and that she had one just like it! I said "oh thank you my boyfriend got it for me in Kabul." To which she replied "Caa? What? Well, I got mine in Napa Valley at a winery."

Well, I win.

Please don't come back.

Today a mother and young adult daughter were in the shop and wanted a certain candle. We were out of it. After scrounging around to see if we had more, I discovered we only had a couple of tester candles. I didn't sell her the testers because:
1. I was told by my manager and a fellow employee that they were not for sale.
2. We need the testers for different sized candles in the same scent that we still have in stock.
3. They were extremely dusty.

I seriously considered just being naughty and selling her the testers, even though they are labeled "testers not for sale," but I really didn't want a sketchy, inferior product leaving the store with my name attached to the receipt for all eternity.

I politely told her that I would love to take her name and number and call her when our fresh shipment arrives. Then she used her snooty diva mother princess voice to inform me that "this was the fourth time" she had been in and we had been out every time and that she "would not be back." I splurted out some final statement on how unfortunate our shipment pattern with that company is and turned away. I was not going to give her the satisfaction of seeing me grovel for her patronage.

Because she is wrong. Even if she has actually been in four times, her argument is faulty. When was she in the store? If it was four times in the past 2 weeks, we did not have the candles. She did not look at the candles and she did not know which scent she wanted; all she knew is that she wanted a large one. So we COULD have had the scent she was looking for in a smaller candle, which is not the same as being COMPLETELY out.

Of course, I just hate her attitude. And it is almost laughable to think that by verbally spanking a low ranking clerk you are going to get what you want. By threatening that she will never come back to the store, I am supposed to get scared and pull a secret stash of candles out of my ass, or at least report to the boss that a nameless high-maintenance lady that didn't buy anything wants us to get more candles here more quickly.

Bitch, I followed procedure! Learn to use the internet like the rest of the world and get your damn stink candles online! And I think I am not the only clerk that would like to tell you:

Please don't come back!!

Customers say the darndest things

-Co-worker and I were talking about the Amy Sedaris book "I Like You", specifically the part about looking at your vagina with a mirror. At that precise moment, a customer walked up and asked "Do you have any mirrors?"

-Sexy glam mommie was loudly describing a "boa made of dollar bills." "It was all, you know, paper mâché." I hope she meant origami because I immediately thought of this. Accessories made of shredded money would be beyond stupid.

-Bored children running around the store making up a story about having to find and marry their true prince before they are 16. (HA!) They were using an awesome "fairy tale voice."

Land of Make Believe

I will start with my thoughts on cell phone etiquette. I don't mind people on cell phones. This is the future and I love that there is a little plastic box I can keep in my pocket to have constant access to people that are important to me. I don't have to wait to tell someone a story; I can text them as it's happening. Even as a retail clerk, there are few times when people on phones bother me; just apologize and take your call. I don't care. I don't even mind when people are on the phone during our entire transaction and we never talk. I don't like to be "shushed" when someone on their phone is holding up a line and I try to move them along. Any other annoyances have yet to reveal themselves to me.

The other day there was a mommie browsing in my department. There is a certain contempt I feel towards mommies, not mothers in general, but the women with entitled, superior attitudes that believe that by giving birth they automatically gain infinite wisdom and deserve endless thanks.

This mommie happened to be on the phone, talking loudly about her children and advising her listener on all child issues. Mommie walked past me several times, and I past her, but she refused to make any eye contact with me. In my experience, this is unusual for someone on their phone. Most people will give you a gesture of some sort as a silent greeting to acknowledge that they see you, unless they are honestly just passing through and not looking at merchandise. This went on for about 20 minutes. I was constantly aware of her location because of her loud conversation. Then shit got awkward.

One of the office workers just happened to be passing by Mommie as she got off her phone and IMMEDIATELY desired service. Office worker called out "who's supposed to be working up here?! This customer has a question!" I came around the corner and tried to cooly defend myself and shame Mommie by saying "she's been on the phone." I think Office Worker got that I was not ignoring the customer and Mommie was already over it and asking me questions so quickly that I couldn't even answer them.

Then I realized Mommie was playing shopper. I don't know if I have always dealt with so many play shoppers or if these tough times have created psychological voids that spending used to fill. There is a need or desire for a product. There is the thrilling and frustrating hunt and the consulting with friends and clerks. Then there is the find, the transaction, and finally, the item is placed in the home. It is satisfying. So when people can't afford anything, their needs and desires become fantastical; if they can never find it, they never have to face the fact that they can't buy it.

Maybe I was cruel to Mommie. I realized early on what she was doing, but I have a hard time turning down my dutiful clerk mode. My job is to try to give people what they want. You can imagine Mommie's frustration when I was delivering on her absurd requests. Her requests changed as we stood there and looked in catalogs. Eventually she was asking for things completely opposite of her first inquiry. Finally, she mercifally cut herself off and decided that she would have to "keep looking."

Play shoppers take note: I don't mind participating in your head games, but don't make trying to get me in trouble or fired part of your routine. Some would say that's bad Karma. I say it's just dick.