New Favorite

Here is my new favorite retail book. Well, it's not specifically about retail, but I have found it a useful tool when trying to sell people stuff that they want anyway. It is not manipulation; it is saying things in a pleasing manner and listening.

I borrowed it from my library on CD and it's amazing. I listen to a couple of chapters while I get dressed and I actually get pumped up to work.

I highly recommend this book to anyone that ever has to talk to other humans.

Customer quotes

- "Oh, no thanks. I get enjoyment just looking around and drinking your coffee." Response to whether customer wanted to receive our infrequent mailer.

- "Do you have a garbage can? My daughter just started her period."

- "Are these the only credenzas you have?" I think the word "credenza" is hilarious. Especially when it is made plural.

- "I could never work here. I'd spend my whole paycheck." This is not a new quote. People say this all the time. But it never gets less ridiculous.

- "Must be nice to be in a business with people lined up to get in." A woman said this to me when I opened the door 2 minutes before opening time on Sunday. What amazes me is that people get irritated that we generally stick to our posted hours. The staff's hours are carefully budgeted. If we started keeping the store open for kicks, we wouldn't last long.

- "Do the scales know carbs?" She was talking about kitchen scales for dieting. The notion that scales could sense what food is on them is absurd. There are other scales which might know carbs, though not in the way she meant . . .

ISlice vs X-Acto

For the past 18 months or so, our store has sold an As Seen On TV product called the ISlice, "The most useful tool you'll ever own." I hate it.

The little ear-shaped slicer has a tiny ceramic blade that too useless to cut anything big, but works well for cutting shapes out of paper, opening mail, and getting into difficult plastic packaging, like the stuff you must break through before you can use the ISlice. (Favorite customer joke: "What came first? The ISlice or the packaging?")

I hate the ISlice because it does not discourage the wasteful, exaggerated plastic packaging. Instead, it has made opening plastics "easy" and "fun." The product does work; I've tried it. I hate the idea, though, of this tiny blade floating around in homes, one use for one product, the tiny plastic thing for opening plastics. Also, because of the diminutive size of the ISlice, I imagine that it is quickly lost in many homes, thus leaving people unable to open all their gadgets and batteries and CDs without difficulty, tearing up junk drawers and pencil cans looking for that tiny tool they bought just for that situation.

Happy new year...

I've decided this year to focus on stupid products rather than stupid customers, except of course when there is an exceptional one.

French Press Jerk

On Sundays we open at noon. I do not open the doors at 11:37 because the rest of the staff is not there, the tills are not ready, and I do not have to open until 12:00.

Last Sunday, at about 11:37 a.m., I saw a young man yank on the door. He had a french press in his hand, which means he was probably after a new glass beaker to replace a broken one. He looked down at the posted hours and then walked away.

When I did open the doors at 11:56 a.m., he was sitting outside our doors with his french press. He asked the price of replacement beakers. I led him to the coffee supply section. After I told him the beaker price, he unloaded his little planned speech:

"Wow. Your replacement beakers are almost as much as a new french press. Yea, I already went and bought a new french press because you guys opened late. Thanks though."

As we parted ways I said "we open at 12:00 on Sundays" to remind him that we opened right on time.

So he found that we were closed, went somewhere else for 15 minutes to buy a new french press, then came back to wait outside the store so he could "punish" me by telling me he didn't need the thing he had needed because he went somewhere else and bought it AND it was cheaper AND we opened "late."

Um, jerk.

Sassy replys in the waiting

For the mummies and grumpies who buy products without taking any sort of responsibilities and then don't like them and want a full refund, my future reply is "we are not Walmart." Oh, we may take the damn thing back and take a loss, but I will stretch it out and attempt to drum up some guilt from you. I think "renting" from Walmart is gross and shameful. I find the process of buying, really using, and returning things extremely distasteful, even if it is at Walmart. Maybe Walmart can take the hit, but it creates this mentality amongst people that they should be able to do that everywhere. Customers bring back a thing because "they don't think they like it."

Maybe it is just me. I never shop like that. I may listen to a clerk's opinion, but I would never take it as complete truth. I think deeply about every item and imagine it in my life. I consult the internet. I consult friends. I investigate the intricacies of the return policy. Then I make my decision. I have the power as the consumer, but I also have the responsibility. Nobody makes anyone buy anything.

Manipulating clerks and threatening that people didn't do their jobs because you want to return something is Tacky. Do not do it. And lady with all the citrus accessories? I mean you. Your kids seem nice; hopefully they won't take after you.

Daylight savings: what is time?

I was laying in bed this morning, relishing the thought that I didn't have to be to work for 5 hours. I only had about 5 hours sleep, which is not enough for me. And we are only open for 5 hours on Sundays, so it will be a nice short day. In the span of 20 seconds, I had felt delight, dispair, and relief for 5 hour time frames.