Because you don't have enough to do already

Here are some of my favorite books on retail!

"When Ladies Go A-Thieving" by Elaine S. Abelson

"Liberty's: A Biography of a Shop" by Alison Adburgham

"Au Bonheur Des Dames" (The Ladies' Delight) by Émile Zola

F***. You make it too easy, Happy Duck.

At my store, we sell this toy, the Happy Duck. I try not to have any strong feelings about it because obviously you are supposed to be annoyed with it. But the demon constantly tempts me to hate.

Someone turned it on today and let it go for a long time. I didn't time it, but I did start to wonder how long one could listen before the brain explodes. I was praying that it would accidentally roll out the open door, into the street and be crushed.

We sell this for $19.95. Please, if you are thinking of buying this, give me the $20 instead. I need to get my swimsuit area waxed.

i iz not a stoopid pursen, i hav dreemz 2

Yesterday there was a family standing in front of the door. When people would come inside, the baby would wave at them. One entering customer looked down at the baby and said "Oh, the new greeter!"

The parents felt they had to share a story with the stranger. Apparently the baby was waving at another store and someone said that she had a future in retail. "And we were like, 'Oh GREAT!'" said the parents.

I was standing right there. I always love it when people degrade my job in front of me. My co-workers and I discussed this and after joking about how they'll change their minds when the baby grows up to be a junkie amputee hooker, we were over it.

But, throughout the afternoon, I kept thinking about it. I didn't intend to have a long-term retail career, and I don't think most people do. I've had plans and ideas throughout the years, but sometimes things just don't work out how we think they should.

So I don't have a career and my wages are low and perks small, but I have always been employed. No matter where I've lived, I had a job and no one else has supported me. Retail work has made me a smarter shopper and a thoughtful consumer. I have learned humility and respect and to take advantage of opportunities when they show themselves.

I will not let one comment from a young new mother bother me. Who would want their child to be a greeter at some place like Walmart or work endlessly at a store until they are so old they can't function? But I will fight the stigma attached to retail work; we are not here because we are stupid or otherwise unemployable. We work to supplement the life activities and jobs that do not pay a living wage.

So, new mother, know that altough I don't have a glamorous job saving lives and helping people or raking in cash, I am happy. Ultimately, isn't that what you want for your child?

Everybody's favorite PIC

Today I was in charge. Sort of. When I am "in charge" on weekdays, there are still about 6 people (out of a total of 10) to tell me what to do. I don't have to make any big decisions. I just make sure everyone goes to lunch and then round up the moneys at the end of the night. "Okay, you're the PIC today (boss turns to other office workers, winks). EVERYONE! Let the PIC know if you have any questions!" It always feels like my first babysitting job.

Another slow snowy day. Somehow, despite the snow, people always find ways to return the damnedest things: buffets, automatic coffee brewing centers, cotton table linens that mysteriously shrank (as though they weren't cotton or something!), soapy candy. When there was not someone breathing down my neck about slow sales, we managed to have a bit of fun and assist the customers.

All in all, it was a stressful day and I really wanted a cocktail after work. Being desperately poor, I had to get creative and fashion a drink from remnants of ingredients at home. Here is the world premiere of my latest poor-person drink concoction!

Turkey with Gravy

Heat 8-12 oz. of liquid. (Try milk or water! I decided to be fancy and used peppermint tea)

Add chocolate substance to water. Hot cocoa mix, chocolate chips, ground up candy bars or any such thing will do. If using baker's chocolate, I recommend adding sugar. Whisk until melted.

Pour into large mug. Add 1-4oz. whiskey/bourbon/what have you. I had Wild Turkey, a gift from our loud, partying college boy neighbors. Whisk.

*Important* Before adding alcohol to boiling hot chocolate mixture, throw in a couple of ice cubes to prevent the burn off of too much booze. I don't know if this is scientific, but better safe than sorry.

Drink. Repeat if necessary.

Mr. Tumnus' neighborhood: this winter is far from over

Imagine it's Wednesday. The economy is spiraling downwards. Imagine you are so bored that you humor every customer that comes in, grateful that they remember your store. That was my day today.

There is this one older woman, E, and she sort of drives us nuts. She likes to talk big and name drop and she has this European accent and she knows she sounds pretentious. But since she is old, she feels like she deserves to be superior. Some days I can't stand it. She knows I must be nice and she will keep me in a corner and just talk. Today, we had a grand time, bitching about how they "just don't make things like they used to" and how freakish Americans are about owning sets of things. E and I became fast friends, even though she was farting up a storm.

At one point I was giving E tips on sticker removal, but she would not give up on her rant. She was practically yelling about how having to remove stickers is "THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING IN THE WORLD!". When people go into gripes like this, I try to talk them down, gently, because they are wrong. There are PLENTY of other things that are shittier. Let's make a list.

And then to finish off a day that was already dead, it snowed 4 inches.

Stand up for your fellow clerks

I go to the post office a lot and I get tired of hearing other people in line complain. They show up, stand there for 30 seconds, and then start bitching. They bitch loudly, as though it were the fault of the postal clerk and not the crappy, unprepared lady with a weird package and form problems. Most days I just play Tetris on my phone and ignore them. But I am feeling spicy today. I am feeling like I may have the courage to throw a snarky comment at those crappy customers. I mail a lot of packages and I have never (knock on wood) had one lost. We have a reliable, relatively quick postal system in this country and I am willing to stand in line for that and to stand up for my fellow clerks.

Oh god! What will I do if I get what I want?

I have a secret plan and I need money for it. The realization is setting in that I might need to get temporary part time work for the money to accumulate at an acceptable rate. There is a branch in this plan that involves maybe being able to take on a co-worker's shift, which would help her out in the short term and be easier than finding a different part time job in a town which is over-run with college students applying for those same temporary jobs.

Then I was thinking about it this morning: Can I handle another day at the store every week? I doubt I will even be allowed to work her shift, but will I be secretly glad if they don't let me? The idea of being scolded for the crappy economy, pacing past items I can't afford, and listening to people sample food seems unbearable. But I have already locked myself into my co-worker's plan.

My only choice really is to let things happen and go from there. It will take great mental strength if I get the other shift, but my end goal is TOTALLY WORTH IT! And if they don't let me work, I will use this temporary part time need to try to get a weird job at some place where I would normally lack the courage to apply.

Here's to having goals, whatever they might be! Cheers!