stingy with the hatchback

I have said before how weird it is that so many customers don't think their furniture purchases will fit in their huge cars/vehicles/SUVS. The weirdness turns to annoyance when

1) they won't measure items. Somehow they think eyeballing it will do, even as they express doubt that it will fit.

"I think this will fit in the back of my car. Can you carry it out for me?" [I find people to carry it out. They gird themselves for the lift. The customer returns.] "You know what, I don't know if it's going to fit!" And then we don't even get to try.

2) they don't even begin to trust me when I suggest that it probably will fit in their car, regardless of my relatively good spatial skills (which, to be fair, they probably don't know I have) and the fact that I am at the store all day, measuring shit and helping people with the exact same scenario.

I don't know about other clerks, but I'm not even going to suggest shoving something in your car unless I'm pretty damn sure it will fit.

food vessels I might avoid

I had a customer call for chafing dishes. She was positive that she had seen some at our store, but she was mistaken. We do not have chafing dishes. After I got off the phone, I started thinking about how chafing dish is sort of an unfortunate term. Who wants to eat out of something called a chafing dish. I imagine scabby potato dishes or meat chunks dried up in a corner with evaporated sauce holding them in like river mud. I think "warming plate" sounds better.

shop local vs. the internet

Today I had a customer tell me about how she found a certain big ticket item online for half the price of what we sell it. She was not looking for a price match, but rather, an explanation as to why some website could sell it for that price and we could not.

I told her all the scenarios that I could think of that could possibly cause that: how our price includes shipping and freight, how the online retailer might have more bulk buying power, that it could be a clearance price. I really stressed that before she buy the item, she find out the shipping cost, especially when she said that there definitely was not free shipping. I encouraged her to find out how much assembly the piece would require and the level of difficulty.

As sweet as she was about the whole thing, and as much as I appreciate her honest questions, I was also slightly perturbed. When you shop in a store, you get to talk to a human and probably to their face. I know this can be a bad experience, depending on a lot of factors, but I think a lot of sales staff is actually going to do their job: answer questions, give opinions when needed, assist the customer with making the right choice. If you are shopping in a store where this happens, you should keep shopping there (when necessary of course) and count your blessings for a helpful clerk.

(I know this post sounds boastful, but, damn!)

someone Gurgled all over the floor

Have you seen these?

Gurgle pots? They are pitchers shaped like fish with carefully designed cavities so that the liquid inside "gurgles."

We keep one with water in it on the sales floor. No matter what sort of sign or picture we have near it, hardly a day goes by that someone does not spill the water onto the floor.

I came across a rather large spill today. As no one was around, I have no way of knowing who did it or how long this big pool of water was there, waiting dangerously for someone to slip in it. And why didn't the spiller tell someone what happened. We don't give shit; we just want to clean it up.

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM??!!!

There are some customers that you learn early because they are notorious. Thieves, chiselers, princesses, name-droppers: whatever their game, they do it with gusto and without remorse. "I am such a great customer! I've spent so much money here!" They might tell you that to get what they want and to intimidate. I hate that it works on people. Co-workers might mention that a certain customer owns half the town and has more money than God and everything we have we owe to them because of their wild spending habits.

Since they are an unavoidable force in the retail world and it is pretty impossible to punish them, I have decided that the only real way to win is to give my very best service to the customers that deserve it. Oh, I will still smile and inquire and wrap with care for the baddies, but I will be doing it as quick as possible to get them out the door and onto pestering others. When possible, I am going to tell my good customers how much I appreciate them. Because I really do.

you say kyoo-pon, i say koo-pon

Our store has a coupon in a book of coupons to encourage "shopping local." It's a pretty great coupon because you can redeem it on items that are not covered by our regular coupon. A strange thing that's been happening is that customers have returned items that they purchased using the coupons and they want the coupons back! Here is why it is weird: 1. I don't remember this happening before in all the years I have worked. 2. Who asks for a coupon back?

In the grown up world I live in, coupons come with limits: the amount you must spend or get to save, the quantity of product, how often, and how long. Sometimes these rules are flexible but often not. Don't worry; there will be another coupon. And sorry, but, if you choose poorly and return you item, we can't and won't reissue a coupon that was not issued by us in the first place so that you can try your poor taste again. It is the "yeh!" and "bummer!" cycle of every transaction, but reversed. ("Yeh, I'm buying this awesome thing that I totally need and want and I'm saving a little money with this coupon!" "Bummer, I really don't like it because I didn't actually think before making the purchase." "Yeh! I get to return it and get my money back!" "Bummer, I used my coupon in order to save at the time of purchase and now I am going back on it.") OH WELL.

For some reason this year, customers think the coupon is bus pass to savings and as long as you keep getting a transfer, you never have to pay that extra bit.

Tacky as hell and irresponsible to boot.

Saturdays

-I've said this before, but it is another one of those human mysteries that will disgust and baffle me until the end of my life: people will lay their garbage anywhere. Coffee cups, wrappers, old food: regardless of the store they are visiting or how close a trash bin is located, when they are done with whatever is in their hands, they just set it down. Or throw it into a trash receptacle shaped object; basket on the floor that is tall and cylindrical (and full of pristine, nicely folded merchandise)? Toss that shit in!

-My latest piece of merchandise that I judge people by? The faucet soap dish. I'm sorry. I just don't get it. And when I hear someone going on and on about how cute it is, I am bewildered.

-It's sort of spring time, I GUESS, but the winter scarf and flip-flop combo doesn't look very much fun. You know those are the people who drive.

-I was helping this man who was, um, not white select a food processor. Then we went to the cash register so he could make his purchase. There were some details that made the transaction a little longer than most, but the annoying thing was that these middle class white old broads kept interrupting! Like, while I was TALKING to the man, they start asking me questions. I told them I would be happy to help as soon as I was finished helping my first customer. Then when he was paying, they stood there watching with annoyance. Bitches! You're not that great and I bet your meatloaf sucks.