Teakettle idiot

Yesterday a woman asked me to show her our teakettle selection. I gave her the tour, told her the prices, and then let her look. A few minutes later, she came up to me and asked, "Do they sell Le Creuset kettles at Macy's?"

I answered her honestly. "I don't know. I haven't been shopping for kettles there." Because why would I shop for kettles at a chain retailer and pay full price when I could shop at my local kitchen shop and employer and get my employee discount? And I don't feel that it is my job to know the prices and availability of a product that is sold in a million places around the globe. I am not the internet.

She decided to purchase a cheaper kettle from OXO. When I was ringing her up, she mentioned that she was on our "VIP list" (our mailing list) and wondered "if that did anything." I pretended that I didn't know she was fishing for a discount and told her if I put her name on the receipt, she would continue to get our mailings. I love playing dumb in situations like that because customers have to keep talking and actually vocalize their asinine requests rather than have me intuit them.

What the F*ck'n'Chunk

This was our Gadget of the Month for February: the Cut'N'Chunk! These special scissors are the most gadgety of gadgets. I did not hate them until we decided to demo them.

The problem with demonstrating gadgets is that is can easily backfire. Instead of enticing people to buy it because the idea is sort of cool, you immediately show them the stupidity of the product.

The first day, we had apples out for people to cut. They worked fine: not too soft, not to hard. People made comments like "these would be great for fruit salad." The apples were sticky, though, so we decided to cut'n'chunk vegetables instead. Celery was tricky (don't be fooled by the celery and rhubarb in the picture) and carrots were near impossible. When customers snipped, the last force of scissor closing would flip the carrots all over. Little pieces of carrot, jumping into the air and onto floors and counters, everywhere but the plate. We left the carrots out because it was hilarious. We actually sold some, with customers saying, "these don't work for carrots, but they would be great for (fill in long soft food)."

For kicks, we wanted to put some cheap hotdogs out for demo, but we feared the scornful looks processed forcemeat would most likely get from our vegan vegetarian organic natural free-range eating customers.

Weekly highlights

- I love it (this is sarcasm) when parents give their children some merchandise to keep them occupied and the child destroys it while the parents shop and then the parents just stick it on some random shelf and don't say anything because they know they are crappy. How is that different than stealing or vandalism? It's sneaky, willful destruction of the property of the store. And yet, if we want them to shop with us, we have to let it happen.

- There was a lady the other day reading the back of some plates and wanted to know why they could be labeled "Microwave Safe; will get hot in microwave" since, in her opinion, getting hot in the microwave made them unsafe. We talked in circles for awhile, her stubborn and confused, and then I tried to break it up with some humor. "Well, I guess it depends on your definition of safe." She did not laugh.

- OMG! Did you know that COTTON SHRINKS!! I did and so do most of my customers. So I am so surprised when they are surprised that this fiber does in fact have this quality. And what surprises me even more is that they care. So the tablecloth has an 8 inch hang instead of 9; why does it matter?

- Throws: rugs or blankets?
Quadro jug: plastic or glass?
Birthday coupon or buy local coupon?
So many hard questions.

- There was a little boy the other day wearing translucent turquoise glasses and matching turquoise shoes with an understated, simple raincoat. He was about 4, so he was small and cute, as were his accessories. I usually don't geek out too much over the way kids are dressed because most often it is some contrived outfit picked by the parents or typical "I dressed myself!" wackiness. But this kid was special. It was weird enough that you know a parent wouldn't have done it, but more awesome than most kids would dress themselves. And it was . . . inspiring!

- I want to go to Japan so that I can buy pink Le Creuset cast iron!

New Favorite

Here is my new favorite retail book. Well, it's not specifically about retail, but I have found it a useful tool when trying to sell people stuff that they want anyway. It is not manipulation; it is saying things in a pleasing manner and listening.

I borrowed it from my library on CD and it's amazing. I listen to a couple of chapters while I get dressed and I actually get pumped up to work.

I highly recommend this book to anyone that ever has to talk to other humans.

Customer quotes

- "Oh, no thanks. I get enjoyment just looking around and drinking your coffee." Response to whether customer wanted to receive our infrequent mailer.

- "Do you have a garbage can? My daughter just started her period."

- "Are these the only credenzas you have?" I think the word "credenza" is hilarious. Especially when it is made plural.

- "I could never work here. I'd spend my whole paycheck." This is not a new quote. People say this all the time. But it never gets less ridiculous.

- "Must be nice to be in a business with people lined up to get in." A woman said this to me when I opened the door 2 minutes before opening time on Sunday. What amazes me is that people get irritated that we generally stick to our posted hours. The staff's hours are carefully budgeted. If we started keeping the store open for kicks, we wouldn't last long.

- "Do the scales know carbs?" She was talking about kitchen scales for dieting. The notion that scales could sense what food is on them is absurd. There are other scales which might know carbs, though not in the way she meant . . .

ISlice vs X-Acto

For the past 18 months or so, our store has sold an As Seen On TV product called the ISlice, "The most useful tool you'll ever own." I hate it.

The little ear-shaped slicer has a tiny ceramic blade that too useless to cut anything big, but works well for cutting shapes out of paper, opening mail, and getting into difficult plastic packaging, like the stuff you must break through before you can use the ISlice. (Favorite customer joke: "What came first? The ISlice or the packaging?")

I hate the ISlice because it does not discourage the wasteful, exaggerated plastic packaging. Instead, it has made opening plastics "easy" and "fun." The product does work; I've tried it. I hate the idea, though, of this tiny blade floating around in homes, one use for one product, the tiny plastic thing for opening plastics. Also, because of the diminutive size of the ISlice, I imagine that it is quickly lost in many homes, thus leaving people unable to open all their gadgets and batteries and CDs without difficulty, tearing up junk drawers and pencil cans looking for that tiny tool they bought just for that situation.

Happy new year...

I've decided this year to focus on stupid products rather than stupid customers, except of course when there is an exceptional one.